


Terrified Souls

by autumnalequinox



Category: The West Wing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23411500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnalequinox/pseuds/autumnalequinox
Summary: Another take on the Hawaii trip, beginning right after Josh receives President-Elect Santos' vacation blessings.
Relationships: Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Comments: 8
Kudos: 119





	Terrified Souls

**Author's Note:**

> I know there are a lot of versions of this story posted here, and I'm grateful to be able to join some really great writers. I have never written fanfic before, much less posted it on the internet. I'm open to any and all feedback!

The door to President-Elect Santos’ office shut behind him with finality.

He suddenly remembered the last time he got this worked up at the White House: Gaza. Leo had pulled him aside and said, “If there’s somewhere else you need to be…” He hoped Leo hadn’t been watching from wherever it is you go when you die and had seen how he acted. Leo would get passionate sometimes, sure, but he never would have been so cruel to Margaret.

Josh actually took a deep breath. He turned the corner and walked to Otto’s area; he didn’t have his own desk in the tight office space, just a folding chair stationed next to a tower of file folders and loose papers. Otto’s eyes snapped up, and then the rest of his body followed, putting him eye-to-eye with his boss.

“Look,” Josh started.

“It’s fine!” Otto said.

“Sorry, about, you know…the thing. Look, I’m gonna be out for a week. On vacation. Can you set up an auto-reply? Punt non-urgent stuff, emergencies can go to Sam or Lou. You’re smart enough to figure out what goes where, right? Got it?”

“Um, yes. What about…” 

But Josh was already walking away. Otto gulped, sat down, and cracked his laptop back open.

Josh flung his office door closed and sank into his seat. His body suddenly gave itself permission to feel the exhaustion he’d been denying. He knew from enough therapy over the years that there were other feelings he’d been suppressing, too. Grief, namely, a loss so big that indulging it may be the end of him. Hell, he should probably spend the week lying flat on that therapist’s couch. Where was her number…?

He sank his forehead to the cool, polished wood of his desk and closed his eyes. _Nah_ , he needed to leave D.C. A beach would be good. Hawaii was nice; he’d been before.

He sat up, clicked around his computer until the screen lit up. He had 43 new emails since he last checked. Not even close to his 30-minute record. Some of the subject lines were enticing, but Leo’s voice in his head was right. He did have somewhere else he needed to be. He opened his internet browser and did a quick search of Hawaiian resorts. The pictures were filled with people younger, healthier, happier than him. He cringed at the thought of being there alone. How pathetic. Maybe a trip back to New England would be better. He could walk through the woods somewhere, contemplate existence.

What existence?

He slammed the computer shut, let out a huff.

The phone rang. C.J. He owed her a quick explanation before he disappeared, anyway.

“Hey, Ceej.”

“Hey, look, we may need to add-“

He cut her off. “Sorry, but as of 10 minutes ago, I’m on vacation.” He rubbed his eyes. It didn’t feel like it.

“Cute, Joshua.”

“I’m serious. You’re gonna have to deal with Sam for the next few days. I know it’s not great-“

“Are you kidding me?” C.J. replied. “I’m proud of you. I envy you. Are you going alone? Because if you ask me, you should also take this opportunity to get lai-”

He hung up. If only she knew he’d already had that opportunity a few times this week. Actually, those times were the only times he even felt like a human being recently.

He opened up his backpack and unplugged his computer, and images of the New England cabin dissolved as quickly as they’d arrived. They were replaced by a beach cabana, a swim-up bar with a companion. In this Hawaii, he wasn’t a sad sack trying to not come off as a perv.

He was jolted out of his daydream by the sound of his office door opening. Sam poked his head back in.

“You don’t even know how to book a vacation, do you?” he asked. “God, did Donna do _all_ of your travel arrangements that whole time?”

The sound of her name was like a pin in a balloon, and Josh let out a loud exhale. He glanced up at Sam, who was regarding him with a small smirk. Sam had given him plenty of advice about Amy – advice he probably should have listened to. Josh proceeded with caution.

“Funny you should mention Donna. I…uh, we….the last few weeks…” Sam held up a hand.

“Josh, save yourself the embarrassment. Honestly, I’m surprised you two even made it this long.”

Josh lifted his hands to his head. He should probably get used to the reaction. “You’re good with women,” he began, regretting it before it was all the way out of his mouth. “You know what they like.”

Sam laughed. “Do my ears deceive me, or is Josh Lyman coming to me humbly for advice? Haven’t I already given you enough advice today?”

Josh ignored him and asked, “What’s better: A cabin in the woods, or something oceanfront?”

“Otto!” Sam called out. Otto’s head materialized in the door crack immediately.

“One more thing before you leave for the day…” Sam said to Otto, keeping his eyes steady on Josh.

* * *

An hour later, Donna sat at her desk, carefully adding items to the pro/con T-chart neatly drawn on a notepad before her.

Pro: more money.

Con: More hours. As soon as she wrote it, she scratched it out. She had been working 16-hour days for as long as she could remember.

Besides word vomiting to Josh, she had told one other person about Mrs. Santos’ offer: her sister. She could hardly hear her _congratulations_ over her boisterous nephews’ screams. But she got the gist. She should go for it.

The imposter syndrome had already crept in, though. And of course, the big issue was Josh. On the one hand, taking the Chief of Staff position would have them coordinating. If she didn’t take it, well, she’d already drawn the line. She couldn’t work for him.

 _Stop it,_ she scolded herself. _You don’t need to make decisions based on how often you will see him. That’s now how you do things anymore._

She felt a little bad about her ultimatum. She could see him through his big glass office windows now, even though she was trying not to look. Otto was sitting in front of Josh’s computer, and Josh was standing behind him, pointing at the screen. He was smiling. Smiling! She was certainly far from his mind right now. She should have known he would bury her words in the back of his mind where they would be lost amid the trove of random polling data he kept in there.

She tore the pro/con list from its spiral binding, crumpled it, and let it fall into the wastebasket at her feet. She scanned her email one more time – although she knew she’d check again at C.J.’s – then slowly began to collect her things. Just as she stood up, Josh’s door swung open, like it sensed her movement. Otto bolted out, cell phone pressed to his head, and Sam sauntered out behind him. Josh swung into view, and met her eyes from the doorframe. That grin. She couldn’t help but grin back. Sure, they needed to talk, but she also had three weeks and six days to enjoy him before things probably went downhill.

He didn’t even need to motion for her to know he wanted her to come to his office. She knew every signal. She’d picked up on it thousands of times, and it always gave her butterflies, not just now that things had progressed. She walked over slowly, aware of every other person between her desk and his door. As she walked into his office, a calm came over her. The same calm she felt in the hall this afternoon and this morning in his apartment. She knew what she wanted.

He closed the door behind her. Her eyes followed him around the room, meeting his gaze as he sat on the edge of his desk.

“C’mere,” he whispered. She took a few steps closer. He opened his arms, just barely, and she fit herself between them, resting her chin on his shoulder. He cupped his hand behind her neck, inhaled her, and whispered into her ear.

“Do you want to go to Hawaii with me tonight?”

* * *

Josh was awake. He was a pretty bad traveling sleeper. Donna was passed out on his shoulder, like she had been countless times on the campaign bus and Air Force One.

The day they kissed the first time, she had said, “It was bound to happen sometime.” She was right. Who else falls asleep on their boss so easily without a lurking romantic motive? What kind of boss lets that happen? Of course, that was just the tip of the iceberg. He wondered how deep her iceberg was. How long had she felt like this? What had she hoped for? When did she, you know, _know?_ He had his own answers to those questions. They had more to talk about than the immediate future.

At Leo’s reception, she had let him know that he was the one making things awkward. And he was, because he was bad at this! But she wasn’t really making it awkward at all. She was confident, self-assured, and decisive. She had been since those words, _it was bound to happen sometime._ She’d tell her side of the story, no problem. He was tempted to wake her up right then, but he knew she would just rag on him, saying he needed his ego stoked. She wouldn’t be wrong. It did make him feel pretty great to know she’d wanted him.

* * *

Donna blinked her eyes open right after the plane landed, sun pouring in through Josh’s window. He was gazing out of it, holding a small paper cup of airplane coffee. During the last few months of the campaign, she had avoided doing anything that would give others the impression they were very comfortable around each other. Now, however, she grabbed the coffee right out of his hand and took a few sips. It was too sweet, but she knew it would be.

The habit snapped right back into place. Josh didn’t seem to think anything of the coffee snatch. _Good,_ she thought. _We can go back to being us._

He reached over and twirled some of her hair in his fingers. She wondered how long he had wanted to do that and was glad things wouldn’t go _all_ the way back to how they were before.

“Welcome to Kauai,” he said. “How did you sleep?”

“Better than any Air Force One ride, I must say.”

They had a lot to talk about. Small talk would have been impossible, and certainly she wasn’t going to start The Talk less than five minutes after touching down. She opted for a familiar middle ground: teasing him. Flirting.

“You _do_ have a hotel reservation, right? We aren’t going to be stranded on the side of the road, hoping for acts of kindness from random locals, are we?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, cruise director. I have a hotel reservation.”

But she still had plenty to do on their behalf: navigate the airport, find their bags, make the shuttle. By the time they made it to the hotel, she felt like she had taken care of everything, as usual. She wasn’t annoyed, though, like she would have been two years ago. This felt like something she did for both of them.

Donna had stayed in lots of hotels. This one did not match her mental picture of a _hotel_. It was more like a palace. The lobby was massive, ceiling opening to the sun, which encouraged the indoor palm trees to grow upward. Two young gentlemen appeared out of nowhere, lifting her bag and sweater from her arms, whisking them away.

“Don’t get any ideas,” Josh whispered, leaning in close to her.

“I won’t, but you could,” she replied, keeping her voice to a low hum. He laughed, and whisked her to the check-in desk. It felt good to make him laugh.

* * *

Josh didn’t overdo the hotel room. It did have an ocean view, but it wasn’t an actual cabana. He didn’t want to be too weird or suggestive. These first few moments in the hotel were what he was most nervous about. Would they get right into The Talk, or would it be more like the other night? He hoped she would just take charge again.

She sat on the edge of the bed, and he sat beside her. With a sigh, he relaxed onto his back, eyes losing focus in the general direction of the ceiling fan. He was exhausted. He felt her move and looked to his right. She lied down on her side, propping her head up with her hand, and peered at him.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’m – I’m, uh good! I’m good.” A little too bright. She placed her free hand on his chest, directly to the right of his scar.

“It’s okay if you aren’t,” she said.

The emotion came fast. He put both of his hands over hers. This, more than the banter from the airport, made him feel like the old Josh and Donna. She saw through every crack. She saw him at his most broken, and selflessly gave him permission to be. He knew she meant Leo. He picked up her hand and kissed it.

* * *

Josh fell asleep, but she didn’t mind. It gave her some time to freshen up and go on a walk. Leo’s death hurt her, too, but not in the same way it hurt Josh. She had done some crying in the shower these last few days, and probably had more ahead of her. For now, though, a stroll to keep her mind clear. She tried to think about nothing as she wound through high-end shops and tropical gardens. Not the Chief of Staff job, not Leo, not even Josh. On that last one, though, she was unsuccessful.

She had given him – them – a timeline. To figure out what they wanted from each other. She needed to be clear on what she wanted before they had the conversation.

She thought about the Donna of Bartlet for America, who just wanted to be noticed and appreciated. She thought about her romantic daydreams throughout the first term. She used to hope he would make a grand romantic gesture, like the one he pulled at Inauguration, once a week. But in those past lives, he had all of the power. Back then, she couldn’t imagine a romantic relationship that wasn’t just an extension of what they already had. Boss and assistant, plus sex. Now, she still wanted to be there for Josh, but not because she had to. Because they were there for each other.

Really she needed to know that he saw her, and not as the keeper of his ego. She needed to be sure that his feelings for her ran deep, and that she wasn’t just a workplace crush he shrugged off at the end of the day. He had never been that for her.

When she returned to the room, the sun was setting, and Josh was just stirring. All of her determination to get what she needed melted at the sight of him. To her, he always looked like he did the day they met. Boyish. Adorable.

She slid onto the bed, and he shifted, inviting her to lay her head on his chest. This part was still thrilling. She breathed in purposefully. She was delighted to know his real smell, just like she suspected he was delighted to know the way her hair felt.

She wasn’t surprised that the sex had been good so far. When she thought about how well she got Josh, it wasn’t just knowing his preferences, quirks, and even deepest fears. It was also anticipating how he moved. They had spent years walking side by side, zipping and tying clothes, working around crowded tables. They knew how to move together already. They had already cried together, laughed together, helped each other, and made demands of each other. Sex was just a new theatre for an old show. They were also older now. She had less shame about her body, plenty of experience.

They had had sex three times so far. The first had been a little drunk, a little silly, the thrill of the first time on an exciting night. The second time had been urgent. A quickie. The third had been the rawest, animalistic. They were working hard to stay in the moment, not let their minds wander to work and death. Instead they lost themselves, made new sounds and some new marks.

Now, the room was peaceful, lit by the pink sky from the window and the overhead by the door. They had nowhere to be, nor anything to run from.

He knew it too. Without cracking his usual goofy smile, he held her chin and very softly kissed her. She responded, allowing the kiss to go deeper and deeper.

They were gentle with their hands. Josh looked her in the eyes until they couldn’t look anymore, each closing their eyes and rocking their heads back as they came, her moments before him. She didn’t dare say it aloud now, but she knew this was the first time they made love.

* * *

They had dinner on a covered patio next to the beach. Donna ordered their drinks, another habit that would probably never die. He listened to her talk a bit about her sister, finding a new roommate, maybe getting a cat, while he let the first buzz wash over him. He was really bad at feeling his feelings and would need some liquid courage before the tender moments surely ahead.

“So, uh,” his voice broke. _Better back into familiar territory: gloating._ “I knew it would only be a matter of time before you’d stop resisting my charm and rugged good looks. What sent you over the edge?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Josh, now seems like a good time to remind you that you kissed me first.”

“After you barged in my room!”

“Oh, no way. You definitely started this.”

He snorted. “I’d like to see your file folder of evidence you probably keep locked in a safe in your room.”

“Hardy har har.” She looked up at him, and he tried to affix a sexy smile to his face. “Alright, alright,” she said. “It’s possible I may have thought about it a few times before.”

“It’s natural, Donna. Most women who meet me can’t help but try.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Is now really the time to bring up other women?”

“Eh, I’ve already gotten what I want today,” he said, with a swirl of the cocktail in his glass. _Uh-oh, too far,_ he thought.

“Josh!” She stuck her fingers in her own drink and flicked the liquid at him. _At least she’s still playing along._ He knew it was time to be serious. God, he was so bad at being sappy.

“Sorry, sorry! Look,” he started. Saying it might break the mystery, the magic tension, but he knew there was no actual going back. “I wanted it to happen for a long time.”

“I know. I did too. I’m surprised it hadn’t already.” A sly look.

Then, the reminiscing began, about all the times they should have, could have, wanted to, and almost did. He went first.

_“And if you think I don’t miss you every day…” His voice cracked. She looked down abruptly. Was she crying? Was he? She thanked him for his time, got up, walked out. He wanted to call her back right away, apologize, beg her to stay. If not on the campaign, then just with him, near him. He wouldn’t make her cry again._

“I knew for sure 100% that day,” he said.

“What about in Iowa?” she asked. It was dark now, but there were still diners all around them. The air was buzzing. They both felt concealed, safe to reveal their pining. “I barely slept knowing you were right across the hall.”

“Hey – I almost knocked on your door that night!”

“To do what, exactly?” She rubbed her arms; it was getting a little chilly. “And why didn’t you?”

“Who knows? Make a move? Ask for forgiveness? I kinda thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Not an entirely inaccurate assumption…but at that point, I was extremely confused. Don’t get me wrong. I thrived professionally. But the months after Germany were…painful.”

There. She had laid it out there. If they were ever going to get to the future, they were going to have to mine the past, including the ugly parts. Josh flagged down the waiter and ordered coffee.

“Coffee? It’s 8pm,” Donna said.

“I have a feeling we are going to be up late.”

He squeezed her hand.

“Did you know, in Germany? I knew, and I thought you did too. I thought I would come back, transfer, and we would…” she realized as she spoke that the wound still ached.

What was he supposed to say? He mulled over a few options: blame it on the Glasgow Casanova, or how sex in a hospital bed isn’t really hot. Instead, the truth slipped out of him. _Chalk it up to the liquor. Or, ya know, trust._

“I was so scared. Scared of a million things. Losing you, of course, topped the list. I felt so helpless standing beside you, who had cared for me like no one else ever had. All I wanted was to pour back into you every ounce of love and care you had spent years pouring into me. It wasn’t romantic per se… but I also wondered what would happen when you got back. Then I was so terrified of rocking the boat. What if it wasn’t reciprocal, now that what’s-his-face was in the picture? Better to have you close and platonic than far away and nothing at all. I know. It was bad. I messed up.”

She let his speech hang there, and let them feel the love flow through them. Not even the romantic, sexual kind. More like _care._ She knew it, then. How deeply she cared for him after Rosslyn and at the sound of every gunshot afterwards – real or imagined – he felt that, too. When you stripped it all away, the banter, the teasing, the power, even the sex, that’s what they were: two terrified souls who cared for one another, who never wanted to be in the world without the other.

* * *

The conversation lasted into the early hours of the morning. They had a lot of ground to cover. It wasn’t all doom and gloom. They talked about gifts they took as signs of affection, careless touches that weren’t actually so careless, their terrible poker faces, and their raging jealousy: Mandy, Joey, Cliff, Amy, Jack, Colin. They mostly accused each other of sending signals.

“Well you were the one who practically wrote me a love letter!”

“Oh please, don’t act like your entire diary wasn’t about me!”

Finally, the lights were off and the curtains were drawn. Moments before sleep overtook them, he offered one little tidbit.

“You know, I actually almost tried it after inauguration night.”

“Me too.”

“I kept thinking about asking for your resignation and then…”

“Having your way with me?”

“Something like that.”

She paused. “I wouldn’t have resigned.”

“Seriously?

“Seriously. That whole time, I was never willing to trade being by your side every day for one wild night.”

“Donna, I assure you. It was never going to be just one night.”


End file.
